Mindful Sex
A conversation with Anna Hushlak, co-founder of Ferly
How many of us actually grew up with a solid sex education that didn’t come from the movies, Playboy Magazine, or a complete distortion of what sex actually is from someones mouth? Specially as girls, everything surrounding sex and pleasure is seen as taboo. There is an archaic veil over women's sexuality and masturbation, which causes us to enter adolescence and adulthood without really knowing what we like, how to ask for it, or even how to give it to ourselves.
We instinctively know how important it is to eat well, exercise regularly, and take care of our minds. Seeking therapy or practicing mindfulness exercises like yoga and meditation will help us release the stress that simply comes from living. But when it comes to sexual wellness, we still don’t give it the importance we should.
That’s why platforms such as Ferly are so important nowadays. Ferly is like meditation, but for your sexual wellness. It’s a mindful sex platform that provides a way for us to challenge the stigmas we grew up with. A space that encourages us to have healthy, condifent, and pleasurable sex. A place where you can discover exactly what sex means to you. At the end of the day, it’s in our hands to challenge the stories we’ve been told, to rewrite the beliefs that society has implanted in us, and to give the relationship with ourselves the importance it deserves.
By connecting with our mind, body, and spirit, we can discover new ways to enjoy our sexuality.
All of the content Ferly provides is backed by research, written by experts, and tailored specifically to you. So whether you enrol in a programme, try out a guided journalling practice, or get lost in an erotic play- Ferly will change the game for you. For this issue, we spoke with Anna Hushlak (one of the founders of Ferly) about mindful sex, vibrators, and female pleasure.
1. Can you explain the concept of mindful sex?
“Mindful sex is about understanding how you feel about having sex, not just how you have it. It’s the connectedness that comes from being aware and tuned into the experience, without expectation or judgment.“
2. What inspired you to make this platform?
“Both Billie and I have navigated our own negative sexual experiences, including sexual assault and sexual violence. Through exploring the relationship between our sexualities and our sense of self, we realized that sexual wellbeing is as important to our health as exercise or a good night’s sleep. Yet, for a bunch of (silly) reasons, there’s still a lot of shame and taboo around sex and pleasure, especially for women and folx with vulvas. Ferly is a way for us to challenge these stigmas and to support others to have healthy, confident, and pleasurable sex.”
3. What was your upbringing around sex?
“What upbringing around sex? Haha! My introduction to sex came from a combination of Hollywood films, a 1 hour SexEd class that covered periods and pregnancy prevention, and some old romance novels my grandma used to read. I never officially had ‘the talk’ with my parents, it just didn’t really come up and only in the last few years has it become a more open topic. As far as masturbation goes, it wasn’t until my early 20’s that I actively explored it. Up until then, I’d been taught that it was ‘just for boys’ and not something that women did.“
4. What relationship has mental health and peace of mind played for you in relation to sexual health?
“I don’t think you can separate health into all these different categories- e.g. physical, mental, emotional, sexual, etc. It’s just not how our brains and bodies work! Say you’re feeling stressed at work, then you don’t sleep well. When you don’t sleep well, then you’re tired. When you’re tired, you find it more difficult to get in the mood and have sex. When you ‘can’t’ get in the mood and don’t have sex, you feel disconnected and lonely, which then makes you more stressed. All of it is fundamentally connected! Afterall, our most sexual organs are our brains, not between our legs.“
5. With all the internet regulations related to sex, I find your approach with Ferly highly refreshing. It is a safe space to have open conversations and explore sexual wellness further. How do you perceive the digital age shifting the way we have sex?
On one hand, it’s massively opening up the space for conversations around sex. People are able to create and share content, ask questions, find answers, connect with others, build communities, learn different perspectives, etc. On the other hand, it can be tough to filter through all the noise and pull out reliable information. There’s also mainstream porn and the challenges it poses around unrealistic portrayals of sex, toxic masculinity, performance, etc. Like anything, when it comes to consuming digital content, we need to really make sense of where it comes from and the purpose it serves. This is especially important when it comes to making decisions on our health.
6. What have you found to be some of the biggest misconceptions around female pleasure?
Orgasms. We treat orgasms and pleasure as synonymous, they’re not. We all have been fed this story that ‘great sex’ ends in this massive, blissful, scream-enducing eruption of orgasm (after orgasm). For some, it might! For others, it doesn’t. By putting so much focus on ‘getting off’ we don’t enjoy the process of ‘getting’ in the first place. It also puts a hell of a lot of pressure on everyone to reach the ‘goal’. A tip for exploring pleasure? Masturbate and/or have sex with a partner(s) and try NOT to orgasm.
7. I think when I was younger, sex was something I did, something my hormones made me crave. But since diving into a healing path of self-love and acceptance, sex for me has now become something I do to learn more about myself. Because I love me and because I am very connected with the universe. I also want to be more connected to my partner on an energetic level. How have your feelings towards sex changed as you’ve gotten older? Especially in these past years?
The biggest change has been starting to listen to what my body so obviously tells me. If it’s not a ‘hell yes’, then I take a pause and make sure whatever comes next (or doesn’t) is deliberate. This goes for solo and partnered sex. If I’m not feeling it,
I’m not feeling it and there’s no judgment on that. Likewise, if I’m feeling it, I lean into that and I create space to explore and play with it.
I’ve also learned that sex and intimacy aren’t necessarily the same thing. Sometimes they might overlap and other times, they might be different. It’s about recognising what I need, when I need, and feeling confident in communicating that.
8. What do you think about the theory that the best moment to manifest is during sex? (because of all the energy that is moving)
Not sure! I don’t know much about manifesting and energy movement to be honest! What I have found is that sex can be a vehicle for reaching altered states and being ‘in flow’. Like meditation, dance, etc, it’s a way of connecting to oneself in a way that’s uninhibited, childlike, and playful. Similarly, it’s also a way of connecting to others and the world around us. That’s why we see it as a mindful practice!
9. How has self-pleasure changed your relationship dynamics?
It’s allowed me to learn that I am responsible for my own pleasure and I don’t need anyone else to ‘give’ it to me. It’s also helped me recognise the ebbs and flows of my body, whether that’s based on work-life balance, moods, my menstrual cycle, etc. And last but not least, it’s allowed me to really explore and play with my pleasure. To experiment without pressure or expectations- and at my own pace.
10. Do you remember the first time you bought a sex toy?
Yes! I didn’t actually buy it ;) My boyfriend at the time did. He was taking a human sexuality course in uni and thought it would help me feel more confident masturbating and getting to know my body (he was right!).
11. How has talking about sex empowered you?
It’s taken away the taboo, the shame, the embarrassment, the awkwardness, the pressure, the expectations, the feeling that ‘it’s just me’. It’s also allowed me to connect with others, whether that’s folx with shared experiences, my family, my partners, etc. Sex is as much a part of our lives as eating or going for a walk. There’s no reason why talking about it shouldn’t be as commonplace either.
12. How can we as a society be more sex-positive for women?
Challenge the stories we’ve been told. Take time to identify what our individual and collective beliefs about sex are and where they come form. Then, do the work to rewrite them in a way that works for us. Pitch the beliefs that no longer serve us, e.g. women don’t masturbate, sex is over when a person climaxes, etc. and understand that sex starts with oneself. Afterall, your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship you’ll ever have.